Tonight I’m Going to Cry

My friend died today.  I checked my phone after a meeting this morning to find 17 missed calls/texts/voicemails.  I didn’t have to wait the hour to get home to check my email to know exactly what had happened. 

She’s been battling cancer for ultimately her whole life, but rigorously for the past 4 years.  So this news was expected.  Expected maybe.  But that doesn’t make it good or right.  She was 24 years old.  There is nothing right about it.

I’ve known her the past four years.  She was the first person I every truly trusted.  I’ve known her for four years, but really only for about 2 months.  And then the brain tumor hit.  With a friend I cried out, asking God why she was on cancer round three, why two perfectly healthy people like us sat by and watched while her body was ravaged by this disease.  And there is no answer.  At least not one that is satisfying.

It’s not fair, it’s not good, and it’s not right that she died.  Some of you might say that’s me doubting God.  I’m not.  I know God is fair.  I know God is good.  I know God is right.

But it’s ok to not always try to see a silver lining in death.  It’s ok to mourn.  It is good to mourn.  It is right to mourn.  Because death is neither. 

Death is not what God intended for us and was not in the world he originally created – a place without shame, a place without fear, a place without suffering, a place without sadness, a place without cancer, a place without death. 

It is right to mourn death.  There is death because there is sin.  We should not go a day without mourning the sin that is in this world and the sin that is in our hearts.

I was on campus the other day sharing an illustration of the gospel with a sophomore USC student.  The illustration shared of a world doomed to death and eternal separation from God because of their sin and choice to turn away from God.  It shared of a good and perfect God who, because of His great love, wanted to offer a free gift of eternal life.  It shared of the death of Jesus Christ on the cross; a death that makes salvation, eternal life, and hope possible.  It shared of a resurrected Christ seated at the right hand of God, living as Lord and Savior and interceding on our behalf. 

When I finished sharing the girl thanked me for sharing what I believed and respectfully disagreed.  She then asked why I felt the need to share that message with others.  And I told her:

“I believe with every fiber of my being that this illustration is true.  That we are an imperfect people destined for an eternal life separate from God, but who have been offered redemption through believing in the risen Christ.  This free gift of eternal life and relationship with the Lord of all has been given to me.  How can I not share?”

The sting of my friend’s death is lessened knowing that she loved the Lord and knowing that her eternity is better than my present.  But that doesn’t make death ok.  That doesn’t make suffering ok. 

I wish my family knew the Lord.  I wish my coworkers knew the Lord.  I wish the people I pass on the street every day knew the Lord.  I wish the entire student population of USC knew the Lord.  I wish Los Angeles knew the Lord.  I wish South Africa knew the Lord. 

Thankfully I serve a big God who does beyond what I can imagine or even think possible.  Thankfully these wishes are more than wishes; they are prayers I can pray powerfully and boldly, knowing my God loves greater than I ever can, aches more than I ever will, and does what I have already deemed impossible. 

Death is not ok.  Tonight I’m going to cry and ache for my friend.

Tomorrow I will continue to proclaim the victory of Christ.  Death will never win.  After all, it’s already been defeated.   

Black Coffee

My grandpa used to drink about 10 cups of black coffee a day.  As a coffee drinker myself, that is something I aspire to - maybe not 10, but the ability to drink and love black coffee.  A friend of mine this summer could not understand drinking something that you had to acquire a taste to - forcing yourself to consume something you don't even like at first.  But I love it.  I love the thought of working your way up to something - even if it's acquiring a taste for coffee.  I admire people who drink their coffee black.  It's raw.  It's real.  There's literally no sugar-coating to mask the taste.  No facade.  You get what you ask for.

Life can be like that sometimes.  Sugar-coated, masked, a distraction from what is really underneath.  And sometimes it's better like that; easier to have smiling faces than painstakingly acquire a taste for the junk below.  But what is real?  This summer was raw and real; it was a time of realizing that what has been swept under the rug needs to be dealt with, that there are people willing to walk alongside me in the not-so-pretty side of life, that God is still God and still good even when I kick and scream and yell.

This summer was raw and real.  I got to journey alongside girls as they came to understand their identity and process through guilt and shame, I got to ask hard questions about the meaning of life to people who don't know/believe the gospel, I saw people cry and got to cry along with them, I had a years worth of junk in my life uprooted, I got to love and be loved, I got to speak to coworkers about love and forgiveness, I was reminded what it looks like to thrive.  It was hard, but it was good.

Life can be hard.  It can be one huge mountain that you feel like you'll never get to the top of.  It can be a huge glass box that you feel is constantly being hammered.  It can be struggles.  But one thing I learned this summer is I'll take the struggle, the climb, the fight any day over coasting through life.  Because it's raw, and it's real.

As Ke$ha says, "I don't wanna think about what's gonna be after this, I wanna just live right now." And that's what we did this summer - we lived.

In other news, I enjoyed my first cup of black coffee this summer :)

A Cali Girl in the South

I'm not sure how to begin, exactly what to say, or even how to direct this post.  As of tomorrow, I have been in Tennessee for exactly 4 weeks, which means a lot has happened and there is much that could be said. 

Things I’ve learned:
-       Pigeon Forge has been dubbed as “the Las Vegas of Tennessee” [confirmed by the giant King Kong and Mount Rushmore right down the street from our hotel]

-       It rains at least a few times a week here, and by “rains” I mean it pours, lightnings, and thunders [“I’m not brining rainboots, it’s not going to rain.” – me packing for this summer]

-       Most of my stereotypes about the south have proved to be true [not necessarily in a bad way though]

-       My spatial awareness of the south is grossly distorted [“Wait, Tennessee touches Mississippi??” – map struggles]

-       I’m not as bad with names as I claim to be – out of 130 ish people here, I think I'm down to not knowing the names of 5? Although let’s be honest, the number who actually know my name in return is probably 5 -__-

-       Sharing my faith is a privilege: something I get to do as opposed to just something I should do

-       Life is messy, but God is good and God is faithful and God is God

-       I love fireflies [aka lightning bugs]

Things I love:

-       Tennessee - one of the greenest places I’ve ever been [not environmentally friendly “green” but actually naturey green] – while I love cities, the beautiful, rolling countryside is a nice change of pace

-       The group of team leaders I serve alongside - it has been a blessing to work alongside a group of women and men who love God and find joy in serving Him and who desperately want to fight for the hearts and souls of those around them

-       The team leader women I serve alongside - there is an incredible beauty in being able to admit that there are times where we have no idea what is going on or what we are doing and have it be ok, remembering we are not here to have all the answers, we are here to serve God

-       My team – LOVE these girls; love getting to share life with them, pray with them, challenge them, learn from them, rejoice with them, adventure with them, and laugh with them

-       Wise women and men – we have an incredible staff teaming serving and leading us this summer; there is so much wisdom and vibrancy in the staff making this summer possible

-       Working at Dollywood – I work in parking, driving the trams and acting as the tram conductor alongside fellow team leaders and coworkers 60+ years in age full of their own puns, sass, and life

Things that have been good but a challenge:

-       Choosing to be outgoing when shy and awkward is doing its best to entice me into my shell

-       Realizing God is working in my heart and bringing up things I have been avoiding [and continuing to fight to avoid]

-       Remembering that God is working to make me complete in Him and that’s not always easy but it is always good

God is good and God is moving and working.  I am blessed to be here.  Excited that Pigeon Forge is slowly but surely being added to my list of homes around the world :)